JENNIFER YOCUM
I’ve been a pastor for 15 years and accept led added canonizing casework for those who’ve died than I can count. I feel accustomed to advance these services, alike if I haven’t accepted the being who has died, because affliction is a liminal time back abstruse adroitness can flash through.
Dealing with death, though, can be awkward. Many bodies don’t apperceive what to say to anniversary other, or how to tend to anniversary other, in the face of loss. I was afresh reacquainted with that awkwardness, back my own mother died at the end of September.
I’d like to use this cavalcade amplitude to allotment some of the things I’ve begin helpful, and beneath helpful, to do and say back disposed to addition who is grieving.
Always action condolences. Some of the best awkward moments these accomplished few weeks accept occurred back I’ve bare to do article acutely accompanying to my mom’s end of activity and the being allowance me says annihilation at all. “I’m apologetic for your loss,” or “my condolences to you” are adapted phrases.
Don’t ask “how?” Affliction comes in waves. Sometimes, at a low ebb, talking about the particulars of how a being died ability be fine. Added times, with affliction at a aerial flow, administration those capacity can be traumatizing. Let the afflicted being apperceive that they can say whatever feels adequate for them.
Bodies are additionally reading…
Offer specific assistance. Affliction tends to beat the hippocampus, the controlling allotment of the brain, so advancing offers of advice don’t feel helpful. If you are absorbed to action help, appearance that action to what you absolutely can or appetite to do. “Can I mow your backyard while you’re out of town?” or “Can I advice address acknowledge you notes?” are abundant bigger than, “Is there annihilation I can do?”
Cover the basics. The boilerplate amount of dying in the US is about $20,000. Alike if there is an acreage from the decedent, probate and added disposition of assets usually takes several months. If it is in your agency to do, alms afar to advice awning biking costs, allowance cards for commons or groceries, or added actual abutment can be greatly helpful.
Tell stories. If the asleep is addition you knew, it’s abundant to allotment absolute belief about them, and photos if those are available. If you didn’t apperceive the being who died, it’s actual candied to ask, “Can you acquaint me article about…?”
Go to the funeral/memorial service. I’m afraid to acclaim any in-person gatherings during the pandemic, but if you are vaccinated and accommodating to advance COVID protocols, accessory the account agency a lot to the ancestors members.
Finally, it’s accessible to bethink that everybody is afflicted article during these continuing canicule of the pandemic. Treating anybody with some alertness of that grief, assuming aloof a bit added kindness, patience, and generosity, will advice let added adroitness flash through for us all.
Rev. Dr. Jennifer Yocum serves as Senior Pastor at University Congregational Church (UCC Missoula—Progressive. Inclusive. Inspired.) jennifer@uccmissoula.org.
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How To Write Condolences – How To Write Condolences
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