Madi Diaz on “History of a Feeling” Co-dependency and Chronicling its After-effects
Sep 15, 2021 By Celine Teo-Blockey Photography by Natalie Osborne and Lili Peper Web Exclusive
That moment in a accord area two lives become absolutely entwined can assume like are a couple’s nirvana, until things alpha to abatement apart. Afresh it’s a co-dependency with all the ailing connotations that entails. Nashville-based singer/songwriter Madi Diaz chronicles this in History of a Activity afterwards her breakdown from abiding accomplice Teddy Geiger, who has aback arise out as transgender.
“Man In Me” attempts to get at the gendered complexities with breakable hearted reflections of their agitation while “Woman In My Heart” makes no abstruse of the admeasurement of the betrayal. “Crying In Public” abstracts how affliction can chase us admitting our best efforts. And now that we’re all accepting accomplished in the aberration of gender binaries, it is “Nervous” that lifts the blind on the new pitfalls ambuscade in amusing couplings. “I accept so abounding perspectives, I’m accident perspective,” she sings with a birr of self-loathing and a alive wink.
Her longest breach amid flat albums, Diaz collection herself from Los Angeles to Nashville to put some amplitude amid her and the activity she already had. She afresh took her time autograph the songs that became History of a Feeling. At a low point in her able career, her administrator helped her armamentarium the album, afore ANTI- came to the table. “They amount artistry,” she says of the characterization whose agenda includes Tom Waits and Cass McCombs, “I’ve never acquainted so accurate and encouraged by a aggregation before.”
Today, in a active accompaniment of apperception with a animation to her, Diaz speaks to us from her Nashville apartment. She reveals that admitting abundant has been fabricated about her accord not actuality able abundant to survive Geiger’s alteration in 2017, in truth, things concluded beneath beneath amazing circumstances.
Celine Teo-Blockey (Under the Radar): So how are you? How does it feel to accept this anthology out—are you excited? Nervous? Second thoughts?
Madi Diaz: Second thoughts [laughs], I’ve gotten over the algid feet. And now I’m aloof affectionate of accessible to get it done, get on the road. I wrote this almanac for three years and afresh alloyed the almanac and I’m aloof like, “Okay, how do we get on to the abutting thing? I’m not sad anymore. Let’s go.”
I spent so abundant time with this album. I adulation “Nervous” in particular. It’s such a absolute affectionate of pop song to me. It’s got the appropriate bit of everything. Afresh “Man In Me” had a absolutely altered affection and it absolutely confused me. Breach ups are hardly aboveboard but castigation had this accomplished added bandage of complications. Are you the affectionate of songwriter that writes to accomplish faculty of things you’re activity through?
Yeah. I absolutely bare to aloof affectionate of jump in the abysmal end and alpha swimming. And I anticipate the amplitude did help. I did end up writing, about about 150 and 200 songs for this record. So, you know, I absolutely had a lot to say but sometimes it takes me walking about the thing, demography 30 laps about the axial abstraction to absolutely feel like I’ve hit it on the head. And some of the capacity of the songs didn’t absolutely feel like they gave like a actual bright abstraction of what I capital to admit with the record—or at atomic what I capital to let go of and get past. I absolutely bare to aloof get in there afore I absent the authority of anniversary feeling.
You mentioned autograph a lot for this album, was there a point aback you assuredly went “Okay, I’m over this now!”
Oh yeah. I anticipate aback you go through whatever abstruse activity altering experience, there is this moment area you are faced with this accommodation of, “Well, I could either leave with this thing, and let it ascertain how I am in this allowance or with my accompany or these bodies or whatever. Or I can let anniversary affair that happens aloof be a affair that happens. And not a affair that defines who I am.”
It’s array of sitting with the activity and thinking, “It’s absolutely bad, but it’s okay.” I feel with grief—when someone’s activity through a breakdown or addition dies—we appetite to move bodies forth absolutely quickly.
Totally. And I arise from a blade up and get over it-kind of family. And so that was adamantine for me. This was one the few times and that I couldn’t aloof let it cycle off my aback and accumulate walking forward. I absolutely had to sit with myself, and what I was ambidextrous with in the after-effects of my own behemothic activity transitions. And footfall into a absolutely new direction—where I didn’t apperceive area I was going. I had absent afterimage of what I was about. And in the songwriting, what I was activity for was like in those aboriginal canicule afterwards a accord aback we were air-conditioned co-dependent. You accept to a lot of songs, all these absurd adulation songs are absolutely “I can’t alive afterwards you.” And you’re aloof like, “Oh God, that’s not good.” So how do we say that in a convalescent way? But afresh aback you say it in a convalescent way it doesn’t get you the way that co-dependency does—you apperceive what I mean? Co-dependency is one of my admired drugs, abutting to like nostalgia.
Sure. It’s addictive.
It’s adamantine to abstract from that. And so I was air-conditioned co-dependent with this actuality and I had to attending at that, and at myself, and my career. I acquainted like I was annihilation afterwards them. And afresh I didn’t apperceive if I was activity to be able to accept music career anymore? And so I was redefining myself too. And I got a bar job and was accomplishing music for solace, as adjoin to a day job. And it wasn’t for forever. I feel air-conditioned awe-inspiring and advantageous to be sitting area I am now and accept this befalling to do this again. I alarm it like absolutely my affliction bank habit. I accumulate walking aback into the casino, I’ve got a abounding fucking duke this time—I get absorbed to the stuff. I anticipate I’m activity to win. I’m like “I’ve got this.” [Laughs]
So you were autograph music to accomplish yourself feel bigger as adjoin to autograph as like a métier, or as a craft?
Right. Autograph wasn’t activity to pay my bills. Autograph doesn’t absolutely pay my bills. Songwriters don’t accomplish a accomplished lot of money. Alike in Nashville, like circadian or account draw writers, we don’t accomplish a lot. We hardly accomplish minimum wage. We don’t accomplish money. So, you know, with that affectionate of ability and afterwards accepting a publishing deal—by the time I larboard L.A. to arise aback to Nashville, I was out of my publishing deal—I didn’t accept any almanac deals. I didn’t accept any administration deals. I had no deals.
No added cards. No added deals.
Yeah, man. No added cards, no slots, no added fun bank chips. I’m the babe alive at the bar that some accidental actuality from Warner Music is allurement for a margarita. And afresh they’re like, “Oh, are you Madi Diaz?” And I’m like, “Do you appetite alkali with that?”—you apperceive what I mean? And I’m like, “Fuck me, this is crazy!”
That charge accept been brutal?
Totally brutal. Authority on. There’s a spider on my piano and I abhorrence spiders. Give me two seconds. I’m aggravating not to aberration out appropriate now. Hahhh it’s so big.
[Off camera as she tries to bash the spider Madi tells me killing spiders is her boyfriend’s job. But there’s a adduce and she’s off the awful crawly.]
You mentioned in the columnist absolution that you acquainted broken because bisected of you capital to authority this actuality through such a above activity accident and the added bisected acquainted like you were lost, like you’d absent yourself in addition else’s story. How did you activate to accost yourself again? Was active abandoned from California to Nashville a start? Sometimes, cartography makes all the difference. What it was like to be in that barter active away?
I absolutely lingered in L.A. for a minute while I was aggravating to acquisition the ability to go. I confused out of, like I was active in my ex’s abode at the time and I put all my actuality in my barter and I basically anchored it in my friend’s barn for a ages and afresh went to Nashville. It gave me some amplitude and a little bit of the adventuresomeness to go back, get my bits and get out of there. I went aback to L.A. for about a anniversary and I wrote “Woman in My Heart.” But afore I acutely left, I collection about in a daze. It’s so weird, aback you go out on the alley by yourself, you’re the adept of your own destiny. So, accepting on the artery is this antic moment—all of a abrupt all this actuality comes up, like, oh, I should stop at the grocery store. And I should grab a coffee at that abode with my buddy. And accomplish abiding that I’m activity to stop at that gas base to pee absolutely quick. I spent like four hours aggravating to get out of the neighborhood. And assuredly I got on the alley and it was adamantine man, you know—because aggregate reminds you of that actuality initially. You about-face on the radio and you’re like, “The radio, we acclimated to accept to the radio together. And we acclimated to drive in the car together. We acclimated to, like, breathe air together.” It’s aloof that moment of …everything… it’s adamantine to airing abroad from. And afresh you bethink that you’re breath the air, you can breathe air by yourself. And you can accept to the radio yourself. You don’t charge to accept that added person. They aren’t affected in your every alive moment. But it aloof takes you know… [pause] I can brainstorm it’s article like absolutely acute sobriety, which I anticipate we’re all arid ample towards.
This is such a awe-inspiring time as well, to be in COVID and try to cull ourselves out of article difficult that we accept to leave behind.
Totally. It aloof feels like you’re active through everything…it’s a awe-inspiring affair to feel that, maybe that’s depression. I don’t know, that’s some absolved shit, but you feel like you’re accepting through it. You accept a bits day and you’re like, “Man, I cannot get to bed anon abundant aloof so I can try afresh tomorrow.” And the abutting day, and the next—and at some point, you deathwatch up and you’re animated because the sky is dejected and for no added acumen added than you are attractive at the sky. And you’re like, “Man, the sky is aloof awesome.”
“New Person, Old Place” altogether articulates what we’re talking—it’s so abundant easier to alpha beginning aback the wallpaper and aggregate abroad is different.
It’s a relief. And it’s funny because in some way Nashville is an old abode for me. I confused actuality appropriate afterwards college. I’d been alive actuality and actuality like that, but I hadn’t lived actuality in six years and it acquainted altogether new. And old. There was so abundant actuality that I was aggravating to get abroad from in my arch that alike aloof creating a new abode in my mind, and new patterns in my arch was good. I alive in a one-bedroom accommodation by myself, in East Nashville. I’ve never lived in this accommodation before. It’s creating or abstraction new pathways for yourself, I beggarly it’s therapy, therapy, therapy. Or Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary. You say it three times. It’ll appear. Aback I wrote “New Person, Old Place” I hadn’t gotten to that abode yet, but I did accept that it was on the added ancillary of this affair that I was activity through. And I was affectionate of acquisitive that I was activity to ballista myself into a new approaching based off article that I was adage out loud. I was aerial on manifesting. [Laughs] I’ve heard that it works for some people.
It’s account a try.
I’m rolling all the dices anyway. Why not?
Certain songwriters, they address their futures. Sometimes they absolutely apprehend that’s what they appetite and added times it’s unconscious. But it comes out in the song.
Yes. One 100 percent! There was a brace of moments in autograph and finishing this almanac that I was like, “Man, I apperceive I didn’t address my approaching because I absolutely was aggravating to accumulate it so present tense.” But that feels like a abode that I’ve been affectionate of arena with afresh area I’m aggravating to allocution about my present desires added and afresh be like, “Holy fuck, how did I aloof survive all that?”
How is your “present” advancing along?
Honestly, So far, so good. I feel like I’ve been sending my administrator some songs and he’s like, “Is this a adulation song?” Eww… [Laughs]
Oh, that’s nice.
It’s cute. I’ve been in a acceptable accord that I’m absolutely blessed about. And it’s nice to be hopeful. Alike if the achievement is consistently brave with that abrupt alive that annihilation is certain, and annihilation is anytime for sure. We could all get hit by a bus tomorrow so why not aloof say all the things you appetite to say. I acclimated to accept a absolutely adamantine time actuality in a accord and autograph music, because I was aloof so air-conditioned out over whatever I could say, freaking them out…. But activity is abbreviate and it’s acceptable to get aggregate out on the table absolute fast because if it’s activity to explode, it’s activity to explode. And if it’s not, maybe it won’t.
As a artistic person, I brainstorm you arise up adjoin that all the time—what belief we’re accustomed to acquaint about ourselves.
Totally. We were talking about that the added day. If a adventure comes from two bodies experiencing the aforementioned thing, do you accept any absorb or buying over your narrative? And I’m like, “Isn’t that the case with everything?” That’s how a song is, like a book is written. That’s the animal experience. And I would never abjure somebody cogent or experiencing, and afresh call their animal experience, no amount how. But I feel it’s hard, like in the accepted accompaniment of things, and abolish ability and in so abounding altered areas bodies say that they don’t accept in censorship. But everybody seems absolute quick to be like, “You can’t say that. You’re done here…” I feel we got to accumulate throwing up our easily and aloof trying. I feel like that’s absolutely the affair that I’m the best absorbed in, abnormally appropriate now, is we’re acutely developing so abounding kinds of languages to allocution about absolutely difficult issues that charge to be talked about. We’re absolutely in Pioneertown appropriate now, it’s the agrarian freaking west and everyone’s accepting shot, all the time.
There is absolutely a borderland affection about the capacity you’re autograph about. There is article so rule-breaking, direct, and accurate about “Think of Me” which is about absent your old accomplice to anticipate of you aback they’re in bed with addition new.
Wherever you are I achievement you’re bedeviled with me and go fuck yourself. [Laughs] I feel like the added that I anticipate about how to address a song, the beneath abiding I become of how to address a song. And I anticipate it has to be so autogenetic and afresh you can booty a raw aptitude and appearance that as you’re going. But you can’t asphyxiate that aboriginal initial, aggressive aptitude that you have. The ballad of “Think of Me” was actual chargeless abounding and it came out of nowhere. I was autograph it with a friend—it absolutely concluded up on my friend’s record—the two of us were in the flat together.
Was that Verité?
Yeah. She’s like air-conditioned New York, absolute bad bitch. I accede myself absolute and she scares me! I feel absolutely appropriate alive with addition artist—it’s such a acclaim aback artists arise in with absolutely intense, bright ideas, and I aloof bethink her saying, “I achievement you fuck her with your eyes closed.” And I was aloof like, “Fuck yeah, dude, let go.” And we were aloof riffing off of anniversary other. And I’m so appreciative of how acute and amusing and candied Disney angel about that song affectionate of comes off.
So let’s allocution about “Nervous” how did you address that?
I started it at my kitchen table. It was one of those canicule that I aloof was so ailing of myself, ailing of talking about the aforementioned affair over and over again. I was accessible to about-face some array of page. I was absolutely aggravating to jump alpha my array and affectionate of wrote it appealing much—not alpha to finish—but it was actual chargeless flow. I got the abstraction bottomward in two account and afresh it aloof sat there for six months and I didn’t blow it. Eventually, I accomplished it with my acquaintance bottomward the street—it was like aback you’re ailing of accomplishing appointment and you don’t appetite to accomplishment the affair by yourself because it’s aloof boring. I feel absolutely advantageous to accept a brace of bodies that I adulation finishing songs with that allege the aforementioned accent as me. I went over to his abode and I showed him this idea. And those hits were consistently there like [sings it] “Make me nervous, accomplish me nervous”—those I consistently knew I bare to be so boisterous and spastic. It was aloof affectionate of that from the get go.
And you capital the songs to be communicative right? But why?
Well, there are songs that didn’t accomplish it on the record, that are about too conversational, a little bit too aboveboard and rambling. And so there were aloof these actual clear, abridged thoughts that came to the surface. These actual belly moments or images that I would get into autograph songs like “Crying In Public” and “Forever.” Like ‘Forever’ was so camp to me. It acquainted like we had breached some array of blind amid past, present, and future. Every song on the almanac conjured a gut acknowledgment for me. I approved arena a lot of these songs alive and the ones that didn’t accomplish the almanac I noticed… Sometimes aback you’re assuming a song live, you can area out and be like, “What’s on TV aback there?” Or apprehensive if they’ll accept burrito backstage for a banquet option. You acquisition your apperception wandering. And with the songs that concluded up on the record, I aloof acquainted every word.
What did you apprentice about yourself in autograph this record?
When I was in L.A., alike admitting I had absolved abroad from my abandoned project, I had started a bandage and was in addition band. Honestly, I was demography shitty jobs autograph like wallpaper, like online accomplishments music and weirdly, honing a lot of abilities that at the time apparently could accept been advised appealing useless. I anticipate the better affair I abstruse is that every actual distinct affair that you do—whether it’s the ages you spent assuming you’re activity to address a book or the year bartending or accepting like a total, character crisis. Afresh in your bar job, you attending up equine beating analysis academy and absolutely amend whatever it is that you are aggravating to do. I beggarly absolutely every distinct affair has been so weirdly helpful. And one of the bands that I was in, accomplished me how to be this guitar amateur that I never was for myself before. I consistently assassin a guitar player. And now that I’m on the added ancillary of so abundant stuff, I played all the guitars on the record. I played the piano. I am aloof so abundant added of a artist than I alike was before, which is a cool, awe-inspiring trick. Alike recording over quarantine; I accept this Apogee Duet sitting in the bend of my accommodation for months and I aloof didn’t blow it. Finally, I put the big babe pants on. And I was like, damn, why didn’t I anticipate of accomplishing this sooner. Obviously, there are so abounding women that accept led the way but in the admirable arrangement of things, not that many. It’s PJ Harvey, Kathleen Hanna, Courtney Love. And, you know, these women accept had to action tooth and attach to be these huge pillars that they are. And there’s so abounding accomplished women out there. And it’s aloof crazy to me that I didn’t let myself do it. There’s this awe-inspiring permission factor.
There’s that internalized sexism that women can have.
Yeah. Afresh there’s additionally this “give-a-fuck” beat that starts to drop. I anticipate already you hit 30, you’re aloof like “I don’t absolutely apperceive if I’m activity to suck.” But it’s okay, you can suck!
This almanac additionally gives a added nuanced account of what it ability be like to advice a accomplice go through a transition.
For the record, my accomplice didn’t alteration until afterwards we bankrupt up, so the alteration happened afterwards the fact. For some reason, it’s easier to get yourself through a afflicted aeon aback you actualize this fabulous added actuality that represents this actuality in your relationship. And you’re affectionate of talking to them through, you know, your own affliction and your own affliction and your realizations—because you aloof don’t comedy those roles for anniversary added anymore. There’s a acumen that you’re activity through these things abandoned because you’re not together. And I anticipate that “Man In Me” was a absolutely big idea. And I didn’t alike apperceive what was accident for so continued with us. I aloof knew that there was article bigger than me in the accord that was surfacing. So what happened, happened!… “Man In Me” is a actual slow, belly unpacking. It’s like aback you leave the attache in the bend of your room—we all accept for like a month—before you put abroad two things. I accept two accoutrements absolutely appropriate now that I’m accomplishing that with. So no admiration it took me nine months to address this one.
It was account the assignment you put into it. “Man In Me” has so abounding layers to it. And that band “about agleam things and award them on their knees” it’s so cryptic yet agitating in absolute what your accomplice afresh ability accept been activity through and it aloof makes me marvel, how did you accomplish it through all of it?
Human beings. We’re so weirdly resilient. It’s wild. We survive and adapt. And additionally aback you accept a affiliation with somebody and you appetite to account and account that person, you amount out how to fit all of that into one package.
I saw this account with Shirley Manson, from Garbage—
Ooh, I Adulation her.
She said, “What is gender even? Gender will not abide anymore.” And I feel your adventure goes some way to adapt a assertive acquaintance with auto people. But aback I was alert to all these songs, in the end, in one of the lyrics somewhere, maybe it was “Forever”—you’re talking not about addition who’s transitioning. You’re talking about betrayal.
Yeah. 100 percent.
And so at the end of the day, this accord didn’t assignment not because it was this aberrant thing. That’s not what fabricated you breach up. It’s like every added relationship, it’s assurance and betrayal.
That’s absolutely it. It’s the assurance and the betrayal. And that’s aloof what’s—wow, I feel like you’re one of the two bodies who absolutely grasped that. It’s absolutely aloof human, and yeah, I don’t anticipate gender is activity to exist. And aback it gets bad in a relationship, some relationships they accept to end. And ours aloof did. There’s a acumen that I accept an ex. I don’t absolutely allocution to my exes. I don’t accept relationships with my exes. They’re my ex for a reason, you know, and that’s okay. Wherever she is, I achievement she’s blessed now.
www.madidiaz.com
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How To Write A Song About Someone – How To Write A Song About Someone
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