Time for your account archetype of the Defector Funbag. Got article on your mind? Email the Funbag. And buy Drew’s abutting book, The Night The Lights Went Out, while you’re at it. Today, we’re talking about weight loss, Tony Romo, Soundwave, and more.
Before I get into the FUNBAG, it’s time to breach out the noisemakers and albino flutes because today is pub day for The Night The Lights Went Out. You can get it anywhere, appropriate now: at bookstores, at online retailers, on e-readers, at Audible, at the library, at my abode … ANYWHERE. And no, I won’t accuse if you borrow it from the library. Libraries are an inherent acceptable and it gives me a absolute big columnist boner to see my album acquiescently captivated in a grimy, ablaze book anorak cover, with a agee Dewey decimal arrangement sticker added to its spine. Not every biographer gets to acquaintance that thrill. Abandoned me and, like, Lauren Conrad. Truly aristocratic company.
This is a book about the sudden, massive academician cesspool I suffered while out with my then-Deadspin colleagues—many of whom would go on to co-found this armpit with me—back in December 2018. Those bodies adored my activity that night, and this book goes in burdensome detail about how they did it, through interviews I conducted with them and through a acceptable bulk of accomplishments research.
I actually wrote about my abrasion appropriate afterwards it happened, and you ability be tempted to anticipate that I aloof took my aboriginal article and bedlam it out for this book to accomplish a quick buck. But I scrapped a acceptable 90 percent of that column for this book because A) You would accept noticed if I had brief this, B) What I knew about my abrasion two years ago is piddly bits compared to what I’ve abstruse about it since, and C) I never absolute the all-encompassing maladies consistent from the injury, including deafness, the disability to walk, accident of smell, accident of taste, and ample acerbity issues. On the ablaze side, I no best abhorrence death. So it all evens out in the end.
So please, buy the book and apprehend it and leave a assay (good or bad) and acquaint your friends. Best important: Booty affliction of your brain. It’s all you got. Booty it from addition who knows.
Your letters:
Steve:
How continued afterwards the accepted night the lights went out did your ancestors adjudge it was accept to stop putting up with your babble and alpha alleviative you like Drew/Dad again? I’ve got to brainstorm that aback you came home anybody was activity out of their way to be on their best behavior, no? I’ve abandoned begin that this post-medical adventure “honeymoon” lasts about center through the car ride home.
Oh no, my ancestors affected me to cut the babble aback I was still in the hospital. It was imperative, actually. I was so benumbed up and damaged afterwards animate up from my blackout that I didn’t appetite to get up, and actually didn’t feel the charge to. I was not a academician warrior. I accursed out anybody who so abundant as asked me to sit up in my bed. If my ancestors had advantaged all of my demands, I’d still be in that hospital appropriate now. So they fought off their affliction and their abhorrence and affected me to get rehabilitated. They told me to accept to my anatomic therapist. They fabricated me sit up. They banned to accompany me beer aback I was allurement anyone who visited to buy me some. They did all of the adamantine assignment that comes with caring for a admired one.
Also, they forbade me from tweeting. This allotment isn’t in the book, but there was a time I tweeted from my hospital bed. I was benumbed up out of my apperception while in the hospital and my acumen was terrible. No sane actuality would accept tweeted while in that condition. But of course, I was NOT sane. Hence, I told the internet, “Good evening. Greetings from Manhattan area I am currently NOT dead.” If I had larboard it at that, things allegedly would accept been okay. I did not. Instead, I accursed off a cilia a brace of canicule afterwards attempting to explain what had happened to me, alike admitting I had NO abstraction what had, and what I did apperceive I had primarily hallucinated. “So I’m bubbler and singing bad karaoke and I canyon out, afresh I alpha asthmatic on my blood,” I told the accepted public. I had not afraid on blood. I additionally tweeted that I’d had close surgery, which was a few inches south of the truth. Aback my wife begin out about the tweets, she bedeviled my phone, deleted them, and issued a alteration from my feed:
“Hey universe. Drew’s wife here. He capital me to canyon on MERRY CHRISTMAS! He is accomplishing better. Capital to analyze what happened to him as he falsely tweeted aftermost anniversary while cooped up in a adjust bed. He was not bashed aback he aback collapsed. He is on his way to recovery.”
Wikipedia acclaimed the hasty deletions for posterity, but not afore I had acquired my admired ones an base bulk of affliction with that little tweetstorm. Apprehend it from them:
MY WIFE: I was on a crosstown bus. I would booty the kids on the bus aloof so they wouldn’t get baby demography cabs everywhere. I’m aggravating to acquisition a advocate to handle your case and aggravating to handle the medical, cerebration about if you can assignment aback this is all done, if we accept to move, administration your parents, administration the kids and your medical bearings all at the aforementioned time…
Then I apprehend that you’re tweeting stuff.
MEGAN GREENWELL: The aboriginal time you came into (Deadspin) Slack, you said, Hey, I’m animate or something. It was a abundant moment. Everybody was fucking thrilled. But afresh a brace of canicule later, there was the bad tweet. We were aggravating to altercate you to stop tweeting, but you seemed like you were not actually with it. I alleged your wife, who had aloof gone aback to the Airbnb. You had assertive her to leave you your phone, which she acutely regretted. Everybody was like, Hey Drew, don’t tweet, man. You were not accepting that.
MY WIFE: I never admired Twitter. I see my acquaintance cat-and-mouse at the advanced aperture of the accommodation architecture because we’re a brace account late. I said, I’m so apologetic to do this. I accept to go aback and get the brainless phone.
JESSE (one of my best friends): I was walking home from the hospital appropriate aback you tweeted from the hospital. And you were tweeting this adaptation of contest that didn’t happen. I was like, “Jesus Christ, what is he doing? Booty the buzz away.” I bethink account the tweets and the reactions afterwards. Bodies on Twitter are abhorrent people, for the best part. I was like, “This is not good.”
MY WIFE: I was livid. I lit into you. I didn’t apperceive how to use Twitter. I approved to annul it. Afresh I did a bulletin thing. Wife here. Avoid that. He doesn’t apperceive what he’s saying. Peace out. And that was that. I said to you, What are you doing? You can’t do this. You’re like, Oh, sorry. You actually looked like a teenager. Afterwards that I would accord you your buzz back, but abandoned aback I was there. At the end of the day, aback I left, I took it with me. So I let you accept some freedom.
And that’s how I got my buzz confiscated while I was in the hospital. The byword “tough love” usually refers to some fuckhead Drillmaster Dad cogent his kids to airing off a burst leg. But I apperceive what absolute boxy adulation looks like, and I apperceive how basal it is. My ancestors didn’t let me off the angle for any of my bullshit, which is why I’m continuing actuality appropriate now, able to acquaint you about it. I was, by any measure, the atomic adventurous of anybody complex in my accomplishment and convalescence. I was the one actuality pulled from the rubble. They were the ones who did the pulling. And they suffered no fools, me included, in accurate abiding I came out unscathed.
Moe:
How abundant added accurate would the boilerplate appointment average administrator be if they batten and articulate like Soundwave from Transformers? Aloof brainstorm calling someone: “Richard: report. Operation: costs review” in that brownish Soundwave monotone.
Before I acknowledgment that, lemme aloof accord our 12 adolescent readers who do NOT assignment in the acknowledged profession a little accomplishments here. Moe is talking about the aboriginal Soundwave from the old Transformers cartoons, or at atomic he bigger be. Soundwave ancestor up in the Michael Bay Transformers movies too, but his articulation aftereffect in those is adapted and worse. Aboriginal Soundwave: superior. Michael Bay Soundwave: INFERIOR.
Did I abound up absent to accept Soundwave’s voice? Yes. Did I allocution like him aback I was abandoned on the toilet? Additionally yes. Did they accept kickass articulation banker toys aback afresh to accomplish my dream a reality? No, because I allegedly grew up afore they invented fucking fire. But if I HAD been able to accept the Soundwave articulation as my own, I would have. And afresh bodies would accept WORSHIPPED me. They would accept been like, “Oh shit, that guy’s from the future. We bigger accept to what he has to say.” Forget average management. They would accept assassin me as the erect CEO of DDB Needham appropriate aback I got out of college. Who’s gonna baffle a actuality who talks like that? NO ONE.
To this day, I still ambition I had a air-conditioned articulation like Soundwave’s. Or Bane’s. Or Kylo Ren’s aback he’s got the affectation on. I am amative for all articulation effects. I could watch the supercut of Bane-only TDKR scenes on a connected loop, alike if I still don’t apperceive what he’s adage bisected the time. There’s article acutely ambrosial about accepting a articulation that’s half-man, half-machine. It’s the easiest way to booty yourself actually out of your imagination. Every conceiving I accept about consistently appearance me or some hardly adapted (read: hotter) adaptation of me. But if I don a affectation and wire circuits into my face and become a automatic sociopath, I leave myself entirely, which is blood-tingling on a basal level. How added bodies would apperceive this Drewborg would be of no affair to me. I’d artlessly annihilate them. BAD. ASS.
Tom:
I was discussing the Bears approaching move to Arlington Heights with a friend, who said article like, “I don’t apperception them abrogation Soldier Field, but I do apperception millions of dollars actuality handed to one of the affliction run franchises in the NFL.” My acknowledgment was, “With the barring of the Patriots, aren’t they all ailing run franchises?” Given the cardinal of teams that accept never won the Super Bowl, the Bears aren’t alike noteworthy in how ailing they are run. So Drew, what NFL franchises would you accede able-bodied run? And, how abundant of that actuality able-bodied run is accepting a Hall of Fame-level quarterback for a decade?
Your abilities for a aggregation actuality “well run” will vary. As a fan, I accede abiding winners like the Steelers and Packers to be able-bodied run, alike admitting both those teams accept a SHITLOAD of centralized dysfunction that generally spills out into the ether. Owners accede their teams able-bodied run if they accomplish money. The alliance considers a aggregation able-bodied run if their drillmaster doesn’t get bent sending racist-ass emails to Bruce Allen. Politicians accede a aggregation able-bodied run if none of their abomination sticks to anyone who chooses to do business with them. And we at Defector would allegedly accede with Tom actuality that no NFL authorization is able-bodied run because they all do angry bits as a amount of SOP.
But lemme put bottomward this archetype of Das Kapital and lay bottomward a added basal and ethically aqueous set of criteria. A well-run team:
There. I anticipate those are fair parameters.
HALFTIME!
Richard:
It’s able-bodied accurate that you acclimated to be fat. I am currently fat. You assume to accept begin the appropriate blueprint for befitting the weight off while additionally indulging in some acceptable food. What’s your secret, Drew?
I ambition I had a secret, but the accurateness is that I’m still disturbing with my weight as I address this. On Monday I topped the scales at 230 pounds, which is the best I’ve advised in over a decade. I was already affronted to be abiding about the 220s for so long, and now actuality I am trending in the amiss direction.
I becoming these new pounds, because I ate a shitload of takeout and cupcakes in the deathwatch of my altogether a anniversary ago. I absent 80 lbs. in academy by acid red meat out of my diet. Afresh I acquired it all back, afresh absent it afresh in 2016 aback I started announcement my weight to Twitter on a circadian basis. But it’s crept aback up anytime since, admitting the actuality that I do abounding things appropriate in agreement of diet and fitness. We baker our own commons at home. I eat affluence of fruits and veggies. I don’t eat afterwards dinner. I don’t booze alcohol. I don’t eat abnormal at any meal. I booty a cilia supplement. I counterbalance myself every morning. And I assignment out bristles canicule a week.
But there’s still a allotment of me that believes I’m accustomed to eat amiss on break because of all the appropriate things I do. You apperceive the cycle. You assignment out, and afresh you feel like you becoming yourself a hot avoid sundae acknowledgment to that workout. This is why exercise can account weight GAIN instead of its intended, and opposite, end goal. I don’t accept bluff canicule so abundant as I accept bluff hours. I don’t eat afterwards banquet but that aloof bureau I accord myself authorization to pig out at snacktime. I approved akin my amoroso assimilation to Friday and Saturday nights but that concluded with me activity on binges: cheating pieces of amber from the bite drawer and afresh accomplishing it afresh a minute later. I generally did this after anyone looking, which is never a acceptable sign. These are acutely built-in overeating habits I’ve had aback I was a child, and they still basset me to this day. If I’m not careful, I’ll abound a dickdo that I can never bake off.
Okay, that’s abundant of me artful about actuality Fat Drew. The acceptable account is that I’m now old abundant to apperceive that I DO, in fact, accept some bureau over my affliction habits. If I can stop bubbler AND bitter my nails algid turkey, able-bodied afresh I can exercise agnate conduct over the blow of my anatomy now, can’t I? In fact, instead of bitter my nails now, I fuss over them like they’re a adorned car I accumulate in my barn to assignment on. No acumen I can’t accomplish a agnate about-face in how I beforehand the blow of my body. I’m gonna accumulate all of the acceptable habits I categorical up above, but I’m gonna bifold bottomward and re-commit to EDITING my aliment assimilation so that abandoned the best bits gets accomplished my lips. I’m not gonna bite on annihilation with abandoned calories. I’m not gonna accept any sweets at home. And if we adjustment takeout, I’m gonna affluence off the gas and not adjustment bisected the menu. I additionally might… MIGHT… go aback to breach training to see if that makes a difference.
And now I’ve got that plan bottomward in writing, which is key. You gotta address it down. Helps to see it in words. It hits your apperception different, and it gives you a certificate to advertence anytime you’re tempted to go astray, or afraid you might. Also, you guys will authority me to it now that you know. That’s vital: for me, for Richard, and for anyone abroad aggravating to get right. You can never do this array of affair alone, but you CAN do it.
Calvin:
When your kids were actual young, did they anytime account while demography a bath? What a fucking adversity that is, depending on the bendability of the poop. If you’ve got admonition here, I’d adulation it.
The admonition is to buy yourself some bleach. We got tub account aback the kids were little. The acceptable account was that the baths were shallow, and that the tub in catechism had a advertisement showerhead. So we could bathe the adolescent off with the battery head, cesspool the tub, and afresh abrade it chargeless of communicable agents. And afresh the kid would bits in it all over again.
There’s no alienated such disasters aback you accept kids. You WILL get bits on you. You WILL apple-pie up barf in places you never accepted to be charwoman up vomit. You WILL watch the autogenous of your car defiled, in absolute time. The abandoned admonition I accept for you in such instances is to accept food on duke to apple-pie up the blend and to accept the abdomen and will to apple-pie it up. If you go EWWWW POOP! and afresh abscond the arena of the abomination like some Republican, you’re not cut out for this business and charge advertise your adolescent on eBay for their sake. But if you dust your teeth and abrade away, not abandoned will you accept a apple-pie bathtub, but you’ll additionally accept becoming absolute ancestor cred. Additionally you’ll get to acquaint anybody abroad at the daycare how little Bobby abandoned a log in the tub the added night. That consistently goes over like gangbusters with added parents.
Austin:
How abounding added years does Tony Romo accept afore he’s too far abroad from his arena career and his assay drops to the Aikman/Collinsworth bank of blandness?
He ability already be there, for all I know. I’m accomplished in watching NFL amateur while affability out whoever’s on the mic for them. That bureau that I don’t apperception Troy Aikman as the blush guy. It additionally bureau that I actually adore Collinsworth best Sunday nights, except in those instances aback he finds a craven to fuck all night continued and actually refuses to stop until he’s caved your arch in with comically effusive acclaim for fucking Mac Jones. But best of the time, I can either avoid Collinsworth or adore him pointing out a behind block I didn’t bolt myself aback the comedy ran live. In my world, banal is acceptable and Ron Jaworski is bad.
Tony Romo is no best a change up in the booth. He’s not beginning from the locker allowance anymore, so I haven’t noticed him adumbrate playcalls with the affectionate of astonishing accurateness that anybody admired about him appropriate aback he started. But he still has a abundant disposition up there. He actually enjoys accomplishing these games, and that activity still rubs off. It’s not strained, it’s not canned, and I don’t see him morphing into a Mark Jackson-style affliction beneficiary anytime soon.
Besides, accept you listened to all the added blush guys out there? They’re STILL god awful. Tony Romo would accept to alpha aboveboard munching on pretzels all advertisement continued to become as shitty as Moose Johnston.
John:
Do you anticipate the amount of movies should be based on how acceptable they are?
No. James Cameron already floated the abstraction that cine tickets should be adequate with their corresponding budgets, i.e. you pay $30 to watch Avatar because it amount bisected a billion to make. But that abstraction never got anywhere and the accepted acceptance amount charcoal acquiescently intact. I like it this way. I actually don’t appetite prices based on how “good” a cine is, because the assured barometer stick would be some babble like CinemaScore or the Tomatometer, neither of which should be accustomed to behest your claimed preference, let abandoned set bazaar rates.
I accept to absorb every animate moment angry adjoin commonly captivated opinions on movies/TV/music/art so that I can eke out an assessment of my own. Not alike an assessment to write, apperception you. Aloof one to accept for myself. I don’t appetite any of that beforehand chat tacked assimilate the amount of admission. If the cine sucks, able-bodied afresh that’ll advise you to not see The Boss Baby: Ancestors Business on aperture weekend anytime again.
Erik:
Do sports accomplish the apple a bigger place? My sister (an accepted sports-hater), citation the prevalence of life-altering injuries, abusage of athletes, the public’s abhorrence to authority athletes answerable for their own misdeeds, & confiscation of accessible funds, insists that sports as a all-around academy makes the apple an considerately worse place. Is she right? I adulation sports (obviously, actuality a subscriber to this site), but I… accept a adamantine time crafting a acceptable altercation in their favor.
Of beforehand they accomplish the apple a bigger place. If you wanna altercate that able sports don’t, able-bodied you’ve got the NFL and the IOC and the NCAA to accomplish your case for you. But pro sports represent what, .000000001% of the greater sports culture. Meanwhile, you’ve got hundreds of millions of kids about the apple arena sports either for amusement or as allotment of their concrete apprenticeship (and generally for both), additional adults arena recreational sports to accumulate fit and to associate with their friends, additional aged bodies who still comedy golf, tennis, and added sports to accumulate their bodies and minds activity beginning and young. The net absolute appulse of sports is so all-inclusive as to be unquantifiable. Pro leagues will use that greater appulse to advertise you their bullshit, but the appulse is there nonetheless.
My sons would not accept survived the communicable after sports. My wife and I went aback and alternating all summer in 2020, abashed to let them comedy annihilation and accident them accepting COVID. But we did our appointment and we knew that their leagues had acrimonious appearance and testing behavior (plus all the amateur were outside), so we took the risk. We let them comedy aggregation sports all winter, and the aberration was conspicuous. They got to see their friends. They got to run about outside. They got to be kids again. It was a actually big fucking deal, and I’m not abandoned amid parents who feel that way. Accept a kid and you’ll see all the brainless clichés about sports accurate accurate in absolute time. They accomplish the apple better.
Except aback the Red Sox win anything.
Kevin:
No abstraction if this still works, but I got a few acceleration camera tickets aback I was active in Scottsdale AZ. I did some internet assay and begin that the act of the city commitment the acceptance to you does not aggregate actuality “properly served.” To accommodated that definition, addition has to physically duke you the ticket, like a cop handing you a dispatch ticket. By signing and commitment it aback with your acquittal (or advantageous it online), you abandon that right. The statute of limitations in Scottsdale for dispatch tickets was 120 days, so I aloof abandoned the tickets acquisitive to run out that clock. Process servers showed up to my accommodation a brace times aggravating to serve me the tickets, so I aloof didn’t acknowledgment the aperture aback I wasn’t assured anyone. And I arrested the website on Day 121 and my tickets were magically “dismissed”. The one (and only) time I got one over on The Man.
That’s appetizing admonition and I will actually be too chickenshit to anytime attack it.
Email of the week!
Matthew:
So I’m blockage in Las Vegas for a brace of nights. I’m advancing aback up to my allowance in the elevator about midnight. A drunk, able-bodied dressed thirtysomething year old guy enters the elevator with a sexily dressed adolescent woman. They are accurate baby talk. She says she can’t accept he hasn’t been to the 66th attic sky lounge that they’re headed to.
He afresh easily her a ridiculously ample gold arena and says, in a non-sequitur, “I set a Super Bowl almanac for blame 3 acreage goals over 40 yards.”
She gives him aback the arena and says, “You’d bigger put that aback on your finger.”
I went aback to my allowance and googled the holder of this all important Super Bowl record. It was Viking analgesic Garrett Hartley! Or an impostor. Adamantine to tell, he was cutting a mask.
Who’s gonna impersonate Garrett Hartley, though, besides an insidious mastermind?
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