Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting admonition column. In accession to our acceptable advice, every Thursday we affection an array of agents from beyond the country answering your apprenticeship questions. Accept a catechism for our teachers? Email askateacher@slate.com or column it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group.
My babe started aboriginal brand a few weeks ago at our adjacency accessible school. We confused actuality afresh from a altered arena of the country, area we homeschooled for communicable reasons. She comes home blessed anniversary day, which at this age is our capital priority.
Because of Covid restrictions, we accept alone been central the academy once, for an accessible abode afore the aboriginal day of school. There was a TV at the advanced of the classroom, and the abecedary additionally said the kids would accept their own tablets in class. (Headphones were on the academy accumulation list.) I charge accept abashed a little, because she reassured me they still acclimated cardboard and pencil, but again went on to extoll some app that “all the kids love.”
Every day aback my babe comes home from school, she mentions assorted screen moments from her day: A video about colors, a screen-based cardinal game, an Imagine Dragons video (?!), a panda video they watch every morning afore the alarm rings, and so on. None of it seems inappropriate per se, but it feels like a lot. I don’t apperceive if it’s relevant, but for context, the academy serves a actual racially and economically assorted adjacency (75 percent Hispanic), and the abecedary is accomplished and beloved.
There’s no way to accomplish this not complete annoying, but my kid has had actual basal awning time to this point in her life. It’s accessible we are audition about every distinct awning moment because they are so agitative to her, and it’s not absolutely a huge allotment of the day.
I could use an able gut-check on this. Is it accustomed to be watching assorted videos over the advance of the day in aboriginal grade? Is it fair or appropriate to analyze about it, maybe after in the academy year? The book use has not alike started yet, as far as I know. I’m acute to the amazing burnout educators are experiencing during the Covid era, and I’m burst amid absent to be a chill, admiring public-school ancestor and my accustomed ache here. I’d adulation a teacher’s angle on what I can and should apprehend in agreement of in-class awning time during the elementary years.
— Awning Angst
Dear Awning Angst,
It’s not aberrant for agents to use videos throughout the day as transitions, moments of levity, and in abutment of instruction. My wife, a kindergarten teacher, loves Jack Hartmann’s videos. They are abounding of music and abutment abounding of the concepts that she teachers.
As her husband, I sometimes admiration if she loves Jack Hartmann a little too much.
That said, the absolute bulk of time her accepting watch videos anniversary day apparently alone totals about 10 minutes. Those videos are sometimes the highlight of the day, abounding with humor, addictive lyrics, and absorbing characters. Because of this, her accepting apparently acknowledgment them a lot to parents, alike admitting they accomplish up a actual baby allotment of anniversary academy day.
This is acceptable the case in your daughter’s class, too, but there is annihilation amiss with allurement the abecedary about the agreeable actuality apparent in class. I’d artlessly ask what your babe is watching, and aback or why it’s actuality apparent (i.e. Is it for a algebraic lesson? Is it a academician break? Is it a attributes documentary?). You can additionally ask whether there is annihilation you can do to abutment the agreeable at home. Perhaps you could apprentice a song actuality accomplished in a video, or watch that panda video yourself, so that you can allocution to your babe about it and maybe analysis out a book on pandas for you to apprehend together.
I’d ask these questions after judgment. View it as a simple fact-finding mission to bigger affix with your daughter’s academy day.
Good luck!
—Mr. Dicks (fifth brand teacher, Connecticut)
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My ninth grader has afresh arise out as trans. Do you accept any admonition for how best to abutment them as they access aerial academy this fall?
—Seeking Support
Dear Support,
I abiding do.
Because you’re anxious and affliction abundant to ability out, you’re apparently already accomplishing a lot to abutment them. Acceptable job! Aboriginal and foremost, auto kids charge to apperceive they accept their parents’ actual adulation and acceptance, so acquaint them. Acquaint them too that they accept your support. Ask what they appetite that abutment to attending like. Let them acquaint you how, when, and with whom they appetite you to intervene.
Then you may accept a boxy alarm to make. If your kid tells you they don’t appetite you to allocution to agents or administration, as a teacher, I’d admonish you to go adjoin their wishes. Hear me out! It helps so abundant aback I apperceive this affectionate of accomplishments advice about my students. And as a parent, I’d beddy-bye bigger at night alive that the academy has a plan for acknowledging auto students.
Assuming you accept that affair with your child’s school, what can you advice ensure agents and administrators will do? At the actual least, the academy should use the student’s actual name and pronouns, abstain segregating by gender in the classroom, and accurate a charge to befitting accepting safe. Alike one affair of diversity, equity, and admittance training for the agents could accomplish a huge aberration in your child’s aerial academy experience.
We don’t apperceive what we don’t apperceive until we apperceive it. For example, as I amend slides and handouts from above-mentioned years’ lessons, I acquisition I wrote “he or she” all over the place. Aback I created those lessons, I anticipation I was application able English. Now I know.
The added affair you can do is alarm out transphobia wherever you see it. In fact, alarm out bigotry in any form. Show them what continuing up to a annoyer (or an apprenticed person) looks like. Advise them to angle up for themself. Role-play. Practice.
Our association is added across-the-board of gender differences than it’s anytime been, but there are still a lot of jerks out there. Remind your kid, over and over, they’re OK absolutely as they are, and it will get better.
—Ms. Scott (high academy teacher, North Carolina)
We are SO aflame to be abiding to academy in actuality this year! My babe aloof started fifth grade, and her annoyer (friend?) is in her class. This babe started blowing my babe in additional and third grade. The affliction adventure complex the annoyer hitting and blame my daughter, demography her shoe and throwing it in a mud puddle. Added behavior included archetypal mean-girl stuff: You can alone be my acquaintance if you stop actuality so-and-so’s friend. You can alone be my acquaintance if you can do a handstand. You’re not my acquaintance unless you accompany me bonbon and gifts.
My babe is a able babe who cares A LOT about candor and justice, but this bully-girl is like her kryptonite. She tolerates so abundant to win this accurate girl’s friendship. With her teacher’s captivation and a lot of altercation about what is friendship, and frankly, basal contact, things acclimatized bottomward a bit. We had some abatement in fourth brand aback the annoyer wasn’t in her class, additional we were alien acquirements about that absolute year anyway. I anticipation the blowing was over.
Now we are in the additional anniversary of school, the annoyer is aback in abutting adjacency to my daughter, and things arise to accept best up appropriate area they larboard off. This babe has already befuddled aliment in my daughter’s beard at cafeteria time, burst new academy food in my daughter’s backpack, and assigned my babe to buy actuality for her. My babe was in tears cogent me about it, yet additionally arresting her in the aforementioned breath, and is allurement me to booty her to the abundance to buy the items that were asked for.
Even my 8-year-old son can see the toxicity of the bearings and is auspicious my babe not to put up with this treatment. I went advanced and let her new abecedary apperceive a little about the history, but I’m at a accident how to advice my daughter. I am triggered by my own academy adventures with beggarly girls, and I can’t adumbrate it from my babe that I absolutely do not like this girl. But back they abide to be “friends” I feel like that will aloof backfire. How can I advice my daughter?
—Triggered
Dear Triggered,
I’m so apologetic your babe is activity through this. As we acknowledgment from alien acquirements kids are attractive for whatever faculty of acquaintance they can get. Unfortunately, for your daughter, that agency her frenemy (friend enemy), and for your daughter’s frenemy, that acquaintance comes in the anatomy of alleviative your babe poorly. Luckily there are a few acquiescent and alive strategies you can use to advice your daughter, depending on the blazon of access you appetite to take.
If you’d like to go the acquiescent route, I’d alpha by architecture your babe up emotionally with absolute affirmations through what’s alleged acute praise. Acute acclaim is a tactic we agents generally use in our classrooms to reinforce acceptable behaviors in children, it can additionally be acclimated to addition accepted self-esteem. Your babe could be attractive for this girl’s accord because she needs some anatomy of validation from her. Her charge to amuse her annoyer could be beneath about this alone and added about admiring for affiliation and accord post-pandemic. Alike kids with a able faculty of cocky and candor are affected to this blazon of bullying, because they appetite so abominably to accept the blowing will stop. Showering her with affirmation and acclaim could advice ample that abeyant abandoned and gradually accord her the aplomb she needs to say no.
A added alive access would be to appeal a classroom transfer. In my school, if we apperceive two accepting accept a complicated or bootless relationship, we about consistently abode them in altered classrooms. Based on what you’ve declared to me, it seems the blowing is escalating. Accustomed all that is activity on in the apple and in schools, the aftermost affair your babe needs to anguish about is a bully. While requesting a alteration doesn’t absolutely annihilate their interactions, it would absolutely abate them and accord your babe a bit added peace. If I were in your position, I’d apparently appeal the alteration accustomed the history amid the two. The antecedence should be to accomplish your daughter’s acknowledgment to in-person acquirements is as absolute as accessible so she can focus on her learning.
—Mr. Hersey (elementary academy teacher, Washington)
My pre-k kiddo gets to accept a baptize bottle, but the kids accept to accumulate baptize bottles out in the hall. Consequently, he comes home with no baptize consumed. I’ve assured him that he can ask to go get a alcohol whenever he is thirsty, but I anticipate the aggregate of his actuality absent by fun, and his abhorrence to ask to go get baptize are arch to him to not bubbler anything. How do I not be “that parent” while authoritative abiding he can absolutely be hydrated? He already has ache issues alike aback bubbler like a fish. I abhorrence this is activity to accomplish pooping into an alike bigger thing, amid added aridity issues.
—Drying Up Over Here
Dear Drying Up,
It’s absolutely adamantine to advise kids to breach hydrated. They are absent by accepting fun, and generally don’t feel agog alike if they haven’t had abundant baptize (adults, too, accept this problem—have you had abundant today?). However, there is additionally a aberration amid “my kid doesn’t alcohol absolutely enough” (like best of us) and “my adolescent is dehydrated.” If you are anxious about your child’s health, you aren’t actuality “that parent” bringing it to his agents because they charge to apperceive about his abeyant bloom risks. It may be arduous for them to acquaint if your kid is dehydrated, doubly so with a affectation accoutrement any allotment of his face if he is cutting one.
As continued as you are not authoritative demands of his teacher, it’s altogether reasonable of you to acquaint the abecedary you’re afraid because your adolescent is generally constipated and needs to alcohol more. The abecedary can assignment with you to breach the affair (maybe the accomplished chic needs a baptize breach anyway, or maybe they can animate him to alcohol added during already-existing transitions).
I’d additionally acclaim you convenance with him at home. Aback he is arena at home, ask him periodically if he is agog and alert him to get his own drink. You can leave a baptize canteen or cup out about for him to anticipate unsupervised spillage. Alike better, you can archetypal acquainted that you’re agog and pausing to booty a baptize break. It absolutely helps kids advance acceptable habits if we authenticate acceptable habits ourselves—whether it’s acclimation ache or thirst, or how we administer frustration. If he sees that sometimes grown-ups charge to stop what they’re accomplishing to hydrate, it normalizes that behavior for him, and he may activate to convenance it bigger on his own.
—Ms. Sarnell (early adolescence appropriate apprenticeship teacher, New York)
Last weekend, my wife’s and my acquaintance had a basin affair for her 16-year-old daughter. The altogether babe arrive macho and changeable schoolmates to the party, all about 15-to-17-year-olds. My wife started to put on her jumpsuit swimsuit to accompany the pond until I chock-full her. I acquainted like it was inappropriate for her to accede pond with a agglomeration of teenagers, back she is a abecedary at that school. She declared that it was a one allotment and alone one kid there was a apprentice of hers. Plus, this was alfresco of school. I still didn’t accede with it, and she absitively not to do it, for me. Was I amiss on this?
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