How to absorb beneath time charwoman about the house
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A few years ago, I had new countertops and white-tile backsplashes installed in my 1950s-inspired “retro” kitchen by Mr. Rick, my abnormally able — and now, unfortunately, retired — contractor.
At the time, Rick warned me, “Don’t use any of those dejected canteen cleaners on your tile. It will accomplish the adhesive about-face gray.”
Really?
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I’d never heard that before. But, it’s been a few years now, I’ve never acclimated any of that dejected being on my tiles and — Woohoo! — my adhesive is still albino white.
I achievement you’re as blessed about this as I am.
I charge acquaint you, though, that, adhesive aside, I apperceive actually annihilation about cleaning. And that’s one acumen why my new “multi-purpose carriageable carpeting and upholstery cleaner” is still sitting in the amber agenda box it came in, three weeks ago.
I ordered it to apple-pie the dark, sweat-stained accoutrements of my armchairs, the coonhound-scented seats in my SUV and the light-colored carpeting that extends from the first-floor antechamber of my admirable old abode up to the second.
A few accompany told me I was absurd to acquirement this accurate adumbration of carpeting — the archive alleged it “champagne” — because it would get dirty. Fast.
“You should never use these ablaze champagne-y colors on stairs,” one acquaintance insisted. “You’re activity to run up and bottomward the accomplish all day in your bedraggled shoes and boots, spilling coffee and… whatever…”
“I’m not worried,” I replied.
And for the aboriginal year, aggregate was fine. I alone ran up and bottomward the stairs in my apple-pie bald feet, and I alone drank albino aback I did so — because, as they say in Paris, if you discharge albino on champagne, “On s’en fout?”
(Who cares?)
But then, little by little, discolorations began to arise and I began to contemplate affairs some array of charwoman contraption.
My acquaintance Olga told me not to decay my money.
“All you accept to do,” she said, “is mix white alkali with Dawn bowl soap and water, put them in a aerosol bottle, afresh kneel down, anxiously blemish the stain with a clean, dry…”
Kneel down?
Yeah, whatever.
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I alarm Olga my own claimed “Meloise,” because she’s like home mavens Martha Stewart and Heloise, burst together.
And, alike admitting she’s my age, she still does yoga, which agency she can kneel bottomward and get aback up afresh after accepting to alarm the blaze department.
Olga knows aggregate there is to apperceive about de-spotting rugs and de-splotching apparel and authoritative battery doors attending (and smell) like new.
And that’s aloof the unblemished, stain-free tip of the iceberg.
Feel chargeless to ask her about wine stains! Gravy stains! Pet stains!
She alike knows how to abolish auto meringue from adhesive chiffon.
Not to acknowledgment teriyaki from terrycloth. And khaki.
And she doesn’t stop at charwoman tips.
She already asked me, “Did you apperceive that if your car anytime got ashore on a dark, bare alley with a burst fan belt you could alter it with a brace of panty hose?”
(Do they advertise panty corrupt on dark, bare roads?)
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She additionally told me I could ablution my car auto with Coca-Cola. “And, if you’re anytime accepting agitation award your car in a parking lot,” she added, “you can extend the ambit that your key fob will ability by agreement the fob on your head.”
Uh…
“Because it’s college up?” I asked.
“No! Because the fluids in your academician are abundant conductors.”
Of course, none of these “helpful tips” are awfully accessible to me because I don’t alcohol Coca-Cola, or abrasion pantyhose, or accumulate an emergency brace in the cuff compartment.
Besides, aback the time comes, I never bethink any of these accessible tips — apparently because all the fluids in my academician broiled up aback I angry 30.
Getting aback to my new charwoman machine, still in its box…
I anticipation it ability be a acceptable abstraction to Google the machine’s instructions first, afore demography it out of its box, to see how complicated it was to operate.
My acquaintance Tom additionally had a suggestion: “You don’t accept an aperture on your staircase, so accomplish abiding you accept the appropriate blazon of addendum cord.”
Excellent advice!
Which brings us to folio six of the instructions: “WARNING: The use of an addendum bond with this artefact may aftereffect in astringent electrical shock, decidedly if the bond is not acquainted into a ambit box with a arena accountability ambit interrupter.”
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Uh, after an addendum cord, how am I declared to apple-pie my steps? My car upholstery? My…?
Tom, again: “You’re aloof attractive for an alibi not to use it because you abhorrence cleaning.”
True.
Which brings us to folio seven of the instructions: “How to apple-pie the tanks, hoses and nozzles on this apparatus aback you’re done application it.”
Ugh.
I anticipate I’m done application it.
This commodity originally appeared on NorthJersey.com: Abhorrence to clean? Bill Ervolino has the solution
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