“The alone absolutely important comedy is the abutting play.”– R-Dub’s NFL Proverb No. 5
I adulation this time of year, from Anniversary 10 of the NFL analysis on. Things accept sorted themselves out. You can discuss, theorize, assay — in added words, get accessible to bet — with authority.
You see the optimum capabilities and funks of the gladiators.
You apprehend the abrasion account as if it were the Dead Sea Scrolls
You see the frauds (next anniversary we’ll ID some) and unsung gamers. Booty Marvelous Marvin Harrison. T.O., Keyshawn, Moss, Plaxico Burress get the pub, but Marvin is killer.
Ask Charles Woodson, who generally serves as Our Oracle for the NFL Close Encounters, who’s the best receiver. Marvin is the aboriginal name off Wood’s lips. But because Marvin doesn’t run his yap, do the hully-gully or accomplish diva moves afterwards he scores, you agglomeration him in with the proles. Mistake.
Marvelous was the aboriginal man to put Deion in the alkali shaker, with a stop-go move that fabricated me think, “Damn, time for D to retire.”
Not to acknowledgment what he did to bend Troy Vincent and assurance Brian Dawkins, two of the best in the business, aftermost Sunday in the Colts’ abrupt 35-13 blast of the Eaglets. All it took was one RB — in this case, James Mungro — to run with ascendancy for Peyt Manning to dip acutely into his awfully acceptable run-action/pass-action fakes and accomplish like David Copperfield. Harrison is the alone absolute blackmail to alike a few of Rice’s Himalayan career records.
How can you tell? Attending at the break he gets. He doesn’t aloof exhausted DBs. He buries them, leave them in puddles, heaps. They are not alike in the anatomy bisected the time aback he goes scampering beyond the ambition band like Death was afterwards him (which it is, by the way).
T.O. ability exhausted a guy activity vertical, jumping over him, maybe alike the batten too, like a ticked-off General Thade, or beat his heels up high, like Diana Ross’ Dorothy in “The Wiz,” a similar, toothy, star-stricken attending on his face, as if to say, “You’re attractive at me! I never anticipation anyone would. … But now I’m a huge star! Adulation me!” But still, some DB is appropriate there with him, grumbling; T.O.’s consistently covered. Marv leaves people.
Green Bay has article appropriate in Ahman Green, Donald Driver, New Orleans in LeChuck Bentley, Philly in Jon Runyan, a archetypal of assertive malevolence, alike admitting he plays OT.
The Rams? Mmmmm, No. Warner advancing aback slows their cycle — now we see, with QB Bulger’s numbers, that it’s what’s about the Rams QB as abundant as it is the Rams QB. It’s about to about-face into an HBO aboriginal programming adventure in St. Loo, can’t say yet if it’s “The Sopranos” or “Sex in the City.” Is Bulger Tony and Warner Ralph, or is it the added way around? Watch and see. That little blessed face Warner mounts on the amusement afterwards anniversary Bulger account is not bluffing me. I knew Joe Montana. At atomic he was honest in the way he abhorred Steve Young.
And Field Marshall Faulk aloof got a lot older, in one week. He formed an ankle, but it’s added than that. It’s his body. Attending at it. He’s growing handles. Field Marshall Faulk is about to “jump the shark,” as they say. Not this anniversary or abutting week, but by abutting season. The bold moves fast. It never goes backward.
The AFC? If I told all, I wouldn’t absorb my ambience of mystery. Why don’t you appear up and see me sometime? Like abutting week? Maybe afresh we’ll allocution about it, if you accompany money. Depends on you, and whether or not you get alike a few disgusted grunts from Anniversary 10 Anticipation Balloons, taken from central the active of NFL stars.
(Most of them accept already been lobotomized. Or can’t you tell?)
Clinton Portis, RB, Denver Broncos: “See my new end-zone dance? I apperceive we absent 34-10, but, did you see my new end-zone dance? I formed on it. Can you tell? Astronomic could. She admired it.”
Steve Spurrier, coach, Washington Redskins: “They say that was Jacksonville’s better army this season. 66,666 bodies had signs calling me Evil Genius. One said, ‘Make Him So Mad He Throws His Visor.’ Hurt me aback Fred Taylor fabricated that thoat-slash move afterwards he scored. Did you apperceive Jacksonville’s absolutely in Georgia?”
Mark Brunell, QB, Jacksonville Jaguars: “Now you see how adamantine it is, don’t you, Mr. Golden Britches, Mr. Son of God Spurrier? Aftermost affair we charge is addition drillmaster who thinks he’s God’s allowance to football. Oh, hi, drillmaster Coughlin. Me? I didn’t say anything. Except how abundant I account you. You’re what Lombardi charge accept been like … (Coughlin walks abroad smiling) Yeah, abiding you are, El Dictator. Acquaint you what, aloof get me into the playoffs. Me, Jimmy and Fred will do the rest. Guess what else, coach? You don’t get hit, admitting I ambition you did. It ability accomplish you acknowledge a analysis more.”
Matt Millen, GM, Detroit Lions: “Scouts? You beggarly … I’m declared to accept scouts? Full-time, you mean? Really?”
David Carr, QB, Houston Texans: “Nomeyohorengekyo, nomeyohorengekyo, nomeyohorengekyo, hari-hari, hari-hari … anybody apparent my feel cymbals?”
Eddie George, RB, Tennessee Titans: “Ray Lewis is out? Ah! Aback to my old self. Can’t accept Jamal asked if I had a choice, would I aces Halle or Janet. Who wants a woman beneath feminine than her own brother? Beside, I can’t see the brother first, afore I see the sister. Screws me up all up. It was like that for me with Julia Roberts. She never did it for me. I saw Eric Roberts first. So Julia looked like Eric in drag. Besides, Janet Jackson’s abs are added disconnected than mine. She ability try to bang my butt. Check out Ohio State in the polls. Clarett wants to about-face pro? He never alleged me. Break in school, son. Especially if they action you added money.”
Junior Seau, LB, San Diego Chargers: “Two arresting TDs on the Rams and still lose? Mfff! %#&! Calm down, Jr. Breathe. Bethink what the nice doctor adult said. Burst emotions, burst furniture, burst bones, burst lives. Gotta bethink that, and to booty my medication. All of it, this time. Apparent our schedule? Who fabricated that puppy out? The Mar-qwis dee Sad? &$&#!”
Orlando Pace, OT, St. Louis Rams: “Green, Warner, Bulger … it aloof doesn’t matter, as continued as they band up abaft big Orca, they’ll all attending like the additional advancing of Joe Montana. Keep cat-and-mouse for Vanilla Eminem Martz to put in a accouterment acceptable comedy for me. What, do I accept to address a letter? I appetite to dance. I’m smaht …”
Jeremy Shockey, TE, New York Giants: “We’re No. 1, we’re No. 1 … the ‘Canes, I mean. I achievement the gay association forgets my slight. My abettor says I can advertise a lot of posters on that ancillary of the street. Hey, the alone animal acclimatization that counts is blooming …”
Daunte Culpepper, QB, Minnesota Vikings: “I’m the starter! There was too a key! Somebody whose brand are Randy Moss did eat the strawberries! I did not beef over my own tow line! I did not lock up during the typhoon! Bet this wouldn’t appear to Fran Tarkenton! And I could bend up Fran Tarkenton and put him in my aback pocket! Denny? Denny! You said … you promised … (cries)”
Donovan McNabb, QB, Philadelphia Eagles: “Why’s Jeff Lurie attractive like that? There’s gonna be Dilbert dog canicule like this. I can’t win every week. Andy understands. Andy? Andy? Funny. He was appropriate abaft me. What’s this … a agenda to … Ken Dorsey? Andy … is that … is that blooming lipstick on your collar? … Andy?”
Bob Christian, RB, Atlanta Falcons: “Jesus! No, not you, Lord. I meant Vick. You’re still Lord, Lord, but Vick’s advancing up fast. Better break on your game, Lord. Hey. Lord Vick. Why … it’s a movie! Better go bottomward and annals this. Somebody will abduct it.”
Bill Cowher, coach, Pittsburgh Steelers: “That Michael Vick fabricated my jaw drop, and if you’ve anytime apparent my jaw, you apperceive that’s a hell of a drop. Abutting time he shows up, I’m calling in sick.”
Aaron Brooks, QB, New Orleans Saints: (imitating the articulation of Mike Myers’ Dr. Evil character) “… one actor weapons …”
Dick LeBeau, coach, Cincinnati Bengals: “We’re not all that far away. But, afresh again, the 22nd aeon is not all that far away, depending on how you attending at it. Gotta brace my résumé.”
Shawn Springs, DB, Seattle Seahawks: “Go Buckeyes. Go Microsoft. Go Holmgren. Go and get me an bend canyon rusher. Anybody apparent T.O.? No? Good. If he calls, I ain’t in. Ever.”
David Boston, WR, Arizona Cardinals: “Out for the year? My knee? Will it affect my high anatomy conditioning or my ability agitate consumption? No? Afresh what are you aggravation me about it for? Hunh? I attending like I appetite to be bothered? Hunh? Rage? What rage?”
Priest Holmes, RB, Kansas City Chiefs: “I’m your mama, I’m your daddy, I’m that n—– in the alley. Curtis Mayfield, agreeable genius. Who’s Curtis Mayfield? I see aggregate ain’t up to date in Kansas City. They do accord me the rock. Accomplish Priest. Up yours.”
Julian Peterson, LB, San Francisco 49ers: “I aloof covered Tony Gonzalez like it was nothing, admitting accepting a name like a applesauce pianist/saxophonist. Julian ‘Cannonball’ Peterson. I likes, I likes.”
Brian Urlacher, LB, Chicago Bears: “How did we lose that game? Greg Blache ability get run outta boondocks now. Not good. I like how he makes the D-linemen band the blockers abroad from me. I like actuality the average advocate from Hell. Anytime been to Taos? Sante Fe? Nice. See me ride Kev Faulk like it was a steer-wrestling contest? Playing in Champaign is killing us. Well, I apperceive it’s killing me.”
Ray Lucas, RB, Miami Dolphins: “Now who’s accountability is it? Troy Aikman? They still talking Troy Aikman? Yeah, accompany his old, de-muscled base on out here. One annihilate attempt from Freeney or Arrington and he’ll run aback up to that Fox berth and agitation chair. Trust me on this. Attending at Cris Carter’s MRI afore you decide. You do not appetite these alien injuries. You do not appetite any added concussions. I don’t think. If you do, hey … acceptable aboard.”
Curtis Martin, WR, New York Jets: “Saddle me up, Herm, and ride me to a arrangement addendum … or not … hey, I’m absolutely animated and blessed for her that Toni Braxton got married. I wasn’t marrying her … balloon it, Curt. It’s Chinatown … broads … don’t hit aback …”
Ralph Wiley spent nine years at Sports Illustrated and wrote 28 awning belief on celebrity athletes. He is the columnist of several books, including “Best Seat in the House,” with Spike Lee, “Born to Play: The Eric Davis Story,” and “Serenity, A Boxing Memoir.”
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